The only place I can really get comfortable is my husband’s recliner in the living room, which he has graciously given over to me for the time being. It’s large, comfortable, leans well enough back, and the tiny dog fits here too. I find that my head and neck need to be evenly aligned with my shoulders or the pain is too much to bear for very long.
It isn’t a type of pain I expected. I thought the surgery site would be terrible. It isn’t. They went in through the front of my neck, moved my esophagus, trachea, and muscles over so that they could “clean up” the damaged bones and material, and insert a spacer cage, metal plate and screws to hold everything together while the fusion takes place over many months. No, the surgery site only hurts if I inadvertently move my neck forward or backward too much (which is virtually impossible with this collar on) or try to “slide down” in the bed to get comfortable enough to sleep.
The real pain comes from the back and shoulder muscles they aggressively manipulated to do the surgery in the first place. I do not know if I was thrashing around – surely I was too asleep to do much – or if they simply don’t pay much attention to what they are actually doing to your muscles during the procedure, but the bruises are still there two weeks later and the muscle pain I endure daily is pretty dramatic, even for me, who is quite used to being in a lot of pain.
The incessant, sharp nerve pain is gone and that is a relief. The surgery did work. The right arm is still weak but no longer gets tingly and numb. It might take up to six months for my right bicep to work properly again. The threat of permanent damage to my right arm, and the high risk of becoming paralyzed if I were ever in any type of accident involving my neck is what led this surgery to happen so quickly. I asked the doctor if it could wait, to November? After the show season was finished? If you are a risk-taker, sure, he says. Are you a risk-taker or a person who plays it more safely? Considering the stakes, I think we can go ahead and plan that surgery in ten days, I answer.
I could write a blog post a mile long about all the things surrounding this surgery, my stay in the hospital where they really did not explain any after care, or worry about me too much – I sent Tony home for the night (which was a mistake) – the fact that the collar was too loose because no one checked it so I was in more pain the first night than I should have been, a nurse asking if I had been in a car accident, pain pills that made me incredibly nauseous but I was desperately afraid of throwing up so I made sure I didn’t, and the nerves and fear I felt going into the whole thing.
I will say my husband, as always, has been a complete rock. The surgeon is an extremely nice man, his office staff is amazing, and quick to respond. If you need a neurospine surgeon he is the man to go to. The nurses in the hospital were mostly really nice and all my friends have been checking in almost daily, sending me cards, bringing me food, and taking care of my horses.
So here’s the thing I didn’t expect. When I stand up for any length of time, my neck (weakened by the cervical collar which we will get to in a moment) can’t handle the pressure, the strain on my shoulders goes into my back and I have a knot the size of a fist sitting on my left shoulder blade. All this pulls, hard, downward, and there is no relief to be had. There is no position I can move my arm to relieve this pressure. If it gets super bad, it will take hours of sitting perfectly still in the bed, leaning back, to reduce the pain. The muscle relaxers aren’t working. Ice helps, but the lidocaine does nothing except clear my nasal passages. Heat lower down in my back helps the stiffness, but I can’t get anything to help my neck muscles because…
The effing collar. I have to wear it 24/7. I have to sleep in it. The only thing holding my neck together right now is the cage/plate/screws. If any of that shifts, back to surgery I go. As I am extremely opposed to starting all over, I am trying to be as careful as possible. But. Y’all. This collar SUCKS. I have another one, a WORSER one, that I have to put on to be in the shower. It’s hard plastic and waterproof. There is never any time when my neck gets relief from a collar covering it all up. No ice or heat can get directly to it. We’ve tried stuffing the ice or heat up under the collar but that only puts added pressure, and I can’t stand it for long. We have taken the collar off extremely briefly to change the padding, or to put liniment (horse liniment!) on my neck, which does help briefly. This thing goes up the back of my head, and I have to sleep on it which does not do wonderful things for these headaches I get. You can sleep on your side, if you can figure out how to do that and be comfortable at the same time. Not an easy feat. I can do that, to take the pressure off the back of my head, for about 45 minutes before I have to move to my back again.
Here’s the kicker, when I do take it off, however briefly, I feel vulnerable and exposed and I can’t wait to put it back on. I am craving that security. I am terrified I will fall or trip or move my head accidentally in a way that will screw everything up.
Now Monday I got to go to the emergency room. The vein in my right arm, where the IV was, is rock hard, ropy, and you can feel it all the way from my wrist to my elbow. I wasn’t particularly worried, as Google told me it was a superficial vein, but when I called the surgeon to report it, they insisted I go to the ER to get an ultrasound because of the risk of deep vein thrombosis after surgery. My husband had to stop work (thankfully he is able to work from home right now) and take me to the ER, where we spent the next five hours waiting for them to tell us that I am fine, but that I should start taking aspirin and Motrin to help the blood in the vein thin out and break down. This, of course, led the surgeon to ordering a “bone growth stimulator” for me to wear every day, thirty minutes a day, for nine months. When your bones are trying to fuse, you do not want any NSAID type of medication interfering with the inflammatory process that stimulates bone growth. Luckily, through my own common sense, I had stopped taking those as well as the Turmeric supplement I usually take and the Meloxicam for arthritis. I was told to stop taking those for a week before the surgery, but nobody mentioned anything about continuing to not take them after the surgery. Since I have a lot of fun looking things up on Google (and currently a lot of time), I educated myself on the anti-inflammatory medications and supplements and ACDF procedures and all the related things. Spent a couple happy hours lost in the University of Google.
I also use Google to look up all the historical inaccuracies of the show The Crown, which I have been watching for a couple weeks now. I am really enjoying that, both the show and the education.
Right now, I am sitting here pondering what else folks would want to know about this whole process. It is definitely harder than I expected it to be, I did not anticipate two weeks after I would still be better off sitting here than doing anything else. I can’t bend down, lean over, squat, or otherwise move my spine. All of which is very hard not to do, when you are the type of person who just wants to get things done. I can’t lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk for the next few months. This collar will be on until the end of October, then I have to wean myself off of it, as my neck muscles will be completely unable to support anything at that point. I did not get to get my hair done before the surgery, but I can’t lift my arms to put it up anyway. So when you see me at the horse shows look anywhere but at my hair! I will figure out how to wear a hat I hope.
I am sharing my Go Fund Me in case anyone feels inspired to help, every cent of which is going to medical bills, and every cent of which I appreciate tremendously. I might be writing quite a few blog posts over the next couple of months, as I have nothing else I can do and a lot of thoughts in my head. Thank you to all who are keeping up with my story, supporting, donating, caring and reaching out. I appreciate you all very much!